I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness lately—so much that I actually enjoy going out with people. It's a tragedy, really, because I enjoy being a teensy hermit that I am. Now is a different story. I wish I have people I like to hang out with. I think I rather enjoy spending time with people I don't know that well because I don't have to worry about what they think of me. The problem is that I don't have many people to go out with. The people that I can go out with are the people that I don't want to spend time with, as horrible as that sounds, while the people that I want to spend some time with are the ones that are either unavailable or they don't really care enough to spend time with me. Life's a bitch, I know.
I think I'm a bit disappointed I haven't made many friends in my classes, especially when I've known these people for about a year now. The only person I feel that really like me enough to be my friend, not just a classmate, is Van. As for everyone else, it's more like "Yes, we hang out because we're in the same classes for two years in a row, but when I graduate, I'll probably never see you again." I could try harder to be friends with them, but I guess India's right, I'm too nice. I don't push. I don't make people spend time with me. I guess I'd rather be friends with someone who wanted to be my friends than actually make people be my friends. It's my fault, I admit, and what sucks more than being disappointed in others is being disappointed in yourself.
Through all these dreary, self-loathing thoughts, I miss my sister the most. With her, I always know I'm wanted and loved. With her, I can be as amazing or annoying as I want, whenever I feel like it. I wish she was here with me more often because going through life right now with the feeling of being alone and unwanted wear me down after awhile. I think all these dreary thoughts came from the combination of 1) the fact that it's that time of the month when I feel a need to be depressed because of all the hormones and 2) I have a strange feeling that the people at my table in class don't want to sit with me anymore so they've tried several times to move away and sit with other people. In a way, their actions made me sad and angry. Okay, I need to end this gloomy entry. Kill my uterus, please.