September 28th, 2009

Amber Tamblyn - 3 columns

I want to bang my head until it bleeds.

Today I was mindlessly not paying attention when my teacher called on me to answer a question, to which I replied, "What's that?" Then after a moment's pause, he repeated the question, something like "What does montage do for this title sequence?" to which I then replied with a very long "Uhhh" followed by a long pause. Not wanting to look like an idiot by admitting that I didn't know what the hell "montage" meant, I opted for looking like an idiot who didn't pay attention to my teacher's lecture.

I should have known I would look like an idiot either way, but I didn't, which makes me double the idiot. I then commenced to bang my head on my table throughout the whole day.

Obviously I have never been a great student due to my inability to stay focused for more than ten seconds. My mind wanders, even when Dane Cook is talking, and he's funny as hell. Fuck if I can stay focused in class. It's entirely my fault. I don't think I've ever been able to focus to something for more than a minute. I try a lot of the times just to test myself out, but I find that random images always pop up in my head while someone is talking. I could be listening to important critiques by my teachers and then BAM I'm thinking about drinking that soda in my backpack, which leads to me feeling like I need to take care of my teeth more, which then leads to me remembering that I haven't brushed my teeth since that morning, and then BLINK, I'm back in the real world, finding out I just missed two sentences out of my teacher's mouth.

Sometimes I'm aware of this fact and I try so hard to hang onto people's words, but I always wander. Always. So most of the time I opt for not paying attention at all.
wat - enrique & eric

All I ever wanted to do was make LJ icons.

Right before starting yet another week in my hellhole of graphic design, I had a dream that apparently made my hole a little deeper. In my dream, I was late to my engineering class. While on the way, a girl ran in front of my sister's car and got ran over, which obviously was her fault, but she complained about her ankle being broken, which led to my teacher R coming at me and screaming about how he didn't believe me when I said it was her fault. While arguing, I realized I was only as tall as my teacher's waist, which pissed me off so much in addition to his ramblings about my sister's driving that I pulled out a gun and shot him. Several times. Then while he was running away, I shot him again. Afterward, my sister took me to class, but we couldn't find any parking, so we parked far away in a different lot. When we came back, we got a parking ticket because the lot didn't take student permits.

I was so frustrated I woke up crying. Even when my cat was so sick I thought he was laying on his death bed I didn't cry, but a dream about the shittiest day in my life made me cry.

It's funny how your worst enemy is yourself. No one made me cry except my subconscious mind, which at this point, I find is more evil than me. So as Spencer Reid points out, it's my eviler twin. All the things that I feared, the things that frustrated me, angered me, sadden me—all those things came to life. The resentment I felt toward myself because of my height, the frustration I felt for that stupid girl who wanted to sue my sister for her accident, my teacher ganging up on me, the fear of being late to class, the anger I felt when I get a ticket—It's amazing how pent-up negativity can really affect a mind and drive me to want to shoot one of my nicest design teachers.